Is there anything so vile as overhearing another person in the midst of intercourse?
More specifically, a loathed neighbor?
Most specifically, at 2am?
I am awakened by loud and exaggerated laughing, peppered with well-placed moans. I soon realize what I’m hearing and contemplate the advantages of suicide, briefly but seriously.
No! Then she wins.
I am a single woman. How dare she point a spotlight at my aloneness in this way! The walls in this building are paper-thin and I can’t help but assume that she is well aware of this. After a time, my voyeuristic tendencies surface and my annoyance turns to curiosity. If I’m not going to get any sleep, I might as well listen intently and make a mental note of every utterance…so as to someday spitefully blog about it.
HIM: “I could go down on you forever”. The voice is alarmingly high pitched. Is she fucking a high schooler? How fantastic.
Many agonizing minutes of banter later…
HER: FUCK! I can’t believe that happened! (She lets out a scream for emphasis). They both go into the bathroom, and she begins apologizing repeatedly.
What happened? I have to know! What could she have done? Female ejaculation in the eye situation? (It’s not a myth).
He then walks swiftly down the hall and out the front door. I am out of bed, down the stairs and staring through the peephole in about three seconds…(I am invested at this point).
HER: “You forgot your cigarettes and lighter” (She is standing on the front porch yelling)
HIM: “That’s ok” (He can’t get into his Prius fast enough)
HER: “Ok, then I’ll just throw them in the trash!” (Slams the door).
And so it ends. So many questions left unanswered. Was this a one-night stand? Perhaps an internet date that went about as well as they typically do? Or will she be seeing this gentleman again at work come 9am this morning? I am only slightly ashamed to say that I am hoping for that latter.
I took one look in the mirror and said, I want to be a hot wife for my husband when he gets back from Afghanistan.